Thursday, September 27, 2012

lather, rinse, repeat

wow, really?

i hate using that phrase over and over again, but it seems to be the only one that really fits anymore...i mean, what is it with people? i have tried praying for them, asking God to help me with them, asking God to just remove them from my life...only after being at my whit's end, really.

i cannot seem to comprehend what the problem continues to be. i have practically removed myself from just about every thing that has anything to do with these people and there is still indifference. can someone tell me why?

why would you ask a question like, "what is going on with that girl?" when you know full well she has autism? yes, she had a meltdown over a balloon. and she will continue to have them. especially over losing hers and if she can't have the same one then bring on the meltdown! it has always been this way. please, try and realize that things are not going to change. autism is a life-long issue that will always be a part of her. not for nothing, if you made an effort every once in a while, you may know a lot more about her. i am not trying to bash anyone here. i am simply airing my frustration with what most neurotypical adults would be able to process as common sense. or, in the least, compassion.

but, my major beef is with the fact that someone has to question my relationship with Jesus. Jesus has been my lifesaver. literally. Jesus has taught me to forgive all that has happened because it is not worth it to dwell on it. He forgave me so i forgive others. and i do forgive those that have wronged me. what i find most challenging though is when i continuously have to keep forgiving the same people over and over because they seem to look for ways to be completely offensive and obnoxious. my family and i have not bothered anyone and yet, we are still targets of the offenses. why?

my attitude has improved tenfold. yes, i still have my bad days. doesn't everyone? i am still allowed to feel angry every now and then. the difference is that i take it to Jesus and He carries it away. He deals with it. now, on the flip side, i can choose to forgive people, and i can love them because they are, after all, also a creation of God, but i am allowed to dislike them.

i love you because God loves you and because you are an integral part of my life but right now i just cannot like you. unfortunately, i have been hurt pretty deeply by things that have been said and done and i am not ready to be put through it all again.  it is painful to keep having to relive scenarios over and over because they just cannot be dropped by others...

so, as much as i would like to see another olive branch extended, this time in love and forgiveness on your part, i cannot bear to reach for it again, only to be beaten with it the next time you get the urge. i guess, until you are prompted by the Holy Spirit to change your heart, it will continue to be this way. i cannot afford to be sidetracked from the ones that really need me.